We were in the car having a discussion, and he point blank said, “Are you going to leave me?”
The answer was No. I was a little taken back by his question, but after thinking about it, I could see why he would ask me.
I probably can’t even depict all the baggage I carried up until that point, but I am going to try.
Up until 2 ½ years ago, I was completely dependent on my husband. I don’t mean financially.
I was 256 pounds. Seeing the number is embarrassing and difficult. If I wanted to go to the gym, I would say – “Hey babe, do you want to go to the gym?” If his answer was no, I wouldn’t go to the gym. In retrospect, that’s definitely not healthy. I should be able to do things on my own.
It wasn’t often that I went out with my friends, and it was to the point where I was no longer getting invited.
If I wanted to go to church, I would say – “Hey babe, do you want to go to church?” If his answer was no, I wouldn’t go to church.
If I wanted to go to the mall, or see a movie, or pretty much anything – If he didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t go.
You know the conversation where one spouse asks another, what do you want for dinner and the other spouse always says, “Whatever you want!” That was literally me, I was the other spouse but with everything. Food, Decisions, Purchases, Ideas, etc.
I later found out I was codependent. What is codependency? It defined as an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
When I found out what it is was, I was ashamed with myself. I had always considered myself an independent person. Little did I know, I definitely wasn’t. I learned about this title, and I began to work on me.
Slowly I began to gain my independence. I started to exercise. My husband may not have wanted to join me in the gym, but he would always encourage me to go. He may not have wanted to join in church, or at the mall, or to the movies but he never stopped me from going.
I was working on myself. I began to see a therapist, and had weekly meetings. I started going to church, and began attending a life group. I was able to unpack years worth of baggage, and the benefits were almost instantaneous.
I started taking better care of myself. People started noticing the changes in me. Spiritually, I was stronger than I ever have been. Physically, the changes were astounding. Emotionally, I felt human again. I felt like my husband was actually in a relationship with a person, not just a reflection of who he wanted me to be. Because the changes were so abrupt, I remember the conversation in the car a little over 2 years ago so vividly, because it was the moment I realized just how far I had come. So, no I wasn’t leaving my husband, but I was definitely leaving a lot of the crap that I had brought into our marriage.
Does this sound like you? I would encourage you to see a counselor or therapist. I promise aside from yourself, your current, and/or future relationships will thank you.
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