My mom’s a photographer. Not like a, my mom bought a camera and is playing around with it, photographer. My Moms kind of photographer who other photographers hire to take their own family portraits. She’s good. I am so proud of her, and all of her accomplishments.
This post isn’t about how incredible of a photographer she is, because no photographer could have stopped me from feeling the way I felt the day she sent me this picture.
I have to apologize for the poor photo quality. This is actually a picture of the image on a computer screen. I don’t even have the original anymore.
To some, this might look like an ordinary family photo. This photo broke my heart.
If you cut me out of it, this is a beautiful photo of my husband and kids. I wish I wasn’t so upset about these photos and actually kept the lot.
Have you ever looked at a photo, and though – THAT! That’s what I look like? That’s what you see when you look at me? I felt like I had body dysmorphia. Because at the time, that’s not what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
I cried myself to sleep that night. My heart ached at how far I had gone. Never did I imagine being this big person. Never did I imagine not wanting to take pictures with my kids. Never did I think I would have a whole photoshoot that I wouldn’t share because I selfishly didn’t want anyone to see what I really looked like. I know that makes no sense. I know people see me, but the image I had of myself in my head was smashed. How could I not know? This is why i stay behind the camera.
I’ve lost a little weight, gained some back, and still am unhappy with myself. I have come so far from this picture and yet I still struggle. I know I am not alone. I know I am not the only one who picks themselves apart in photo. I’m not the only one who look at plus models, and wish I had their confidence. I know I am not the first, or last woman who’s cried themselves to sleep over some inadequacy with her body.
You’re not alone Mama. There’s a tribe of other Mama’s who are with you behind the camera.
But, you are BEAUTIFUL! You are LOVED! You are WORTHY!
